Monday, June 26, 2006

Bear cubs and breast feeding

I usually don't remember the dreams I have, but once in a very
long while, I'll have this entirely bizzarre dream that sticks out
and makes me wonder for days.

Two nights ago, I had this dream that my body was used as an
incubator for a set of polar bear twins, and that I had to breast
feed them. These tiny little fuzzy cubs, clamping onto each of
my breasts, which were chemically enhanced to produce breast
milk. Someone in the dream told me that they tried to get a
foster mommy-dog, but the cubs kept getting pushed out by
her own pups, so I was the next in line for the role.

My overall mood in the dream was one of bemuzed incredulity.
Even though all the things I had to do was forced onto me,
without my consent. It was almost as if I was enjoying the
novelty of the experience. Or that it was all a giant joke. Every
time someone asked me to do something, I would think to
myself "You've GOT to be joking," but proceed to do it, just
for the sake of seeing what it felt like.

Now, I've always been one of those stubborn people who
couldn't and wouldn't take anybody's words. I HAVE to
experience everything for myself. Ok, almost everything, but
you get the idea. So my attitude in the dream doesn't really
surprise me, because it's how I usually act when faced with a
new experience.

But what I was being asked to do in the dream was NOT to try
a new item of food that I'd never tried before. I should've been
outraged that They (never properly identified in the dream) were
using MY BODY to incubate these bear cubs, loading MY BODY
with hormones to produce the appropriate breast milk, then
shoving these cubs against MY BREASTS for feeding. But I wasn't.
THAT worries me.

I wonder if this feeling of detachment isn't some kind of a
symptom of mental illness, or an aftereffect of the things done
to me in the past. It seems to mean something, but I can't
figure out what it is. I know it's important, and that I should
probably follow up somehow.

I just wish I knew where to start.

Friday, June 23, 2006

June already

Almost 3 months since my last entry, and in the meantime,
I've gotten a job, quit said job after the probationary period,
created another blog in a different language, gained 3 new
students for private language instruction, and currently, my
biggest project is to try to distance myself from a very unhealthy


It's rainy season in this tiny island country, and as if that's
not depressing enough, a very good friend of mine has gone
AWOL. I miss her terribly, and hope that she has enough
sense and strength to get out of whatever rut she's gotten
herself into. Not much I can do, except be here for her when
she need me. It's infuriating and frustrating to just stand by
and watch her waste her time like that, but alas, I have to
respect her choice.

Sometimes, it's just so hard. Especially when it's been raining
for days.