Saturday, December 10, 2005

Thinking about rape

Doing a lot of reading on rape lately, I've been thinking about
my own experience, which I've always hesitated to consider
as rape. I've put it off for so long, and it's been over 10 years,
I find it very difficult at times to even remember the details.
This is how it went.

It must've been a warm day. While school was in session.
I was going through a rough patch in my relationship with
then-current on-again-off-again boyfriend. I was smoking
a lot of dope, popping lots of pills, including but not limited to
painkillers, over-the-counter sleeping pills, anti-depressants,
and LSD, and having a difficult time just having to face another
day every morning.

2 guys, both of whom I knew relatively well that I considered
friends, came over to party. I had a lot of dope, they supplied
a bottle of rum, and I dreaded facing an afternoon spent alone.
We smoked a few joints, talked about music, drank rum with
Kool-aid, smoked a few more joints. Then I popped a few pills.
I think they were painkillers leftover from a visit to the dentist.
I asked for a refill on the rum with Kool-aid, and that is the last
thing I remember for sure.

I must've either fallen asleep or blacked out, because I woke up
to a very pleasant sensation of having one of the guys have his
face burrowed between my naked legs. I thought I was dreaming,
and reached my hand down to touch his head full of shiny black
curls. I felt the soft curls, then lost myself to the pleasure. I also
dimly remember a pair of hands caressing my breasts.

Then everything went black again.

The second time I woke up, I had difficultlies breathing, because
there was a erect penis in my mouth. I couldn't see who it was,
but I was enjoying it. There was the other guy fucking me at the
same time, and I was enjoying that as well.

Another black-out.

The third time I woke up with a shiver, and found two naked
guys sleeping on either side of my naked body. I got up, went
into my bedroom to get a blanket, covered all of us with it and
promptly went back to sleep.

I don't remember much about what happened after that, except
thinking I must've dreamt the entire thing. Not until a few days
later did I realize it really happened, when a girlfriend of mine
slept with one of the guys involved, and told me that during the
entire time he was with her, he kept saying how great I was at
giving oral sex.

I didn't think it was rape at the time, and still have difficulties
thinking that it was. I was, however, quite furious at myself
for having had a threesome with 2 extremely cute guys that
a lot of girls were dying to go out with, without having no real
memory of it. I turned the experience into a comical anecdote
that I told people about why I'd sworn off drinking rum.

Not once did I give consent to either of those guys. I was either
asleep or blacked out, totally unconscious. If the definition of
rape is forced, unconsented sexual intercourse, then my experience
certainly qualifies as one, since it was in no way consentual.

But, and here's a big but, the reason why I have a hard time
considering it as rape was because of the fact that I'd enjoyed it.
The orgasms I felt were about the only *real* sensations I remember
from the experience. How can it be rape, if I'd enjoyed it so much?

The thing that bothers me most about it is, although I still have
a hard time considering it as rape, it must've nonetheless affected
me in the sense that this violation has somehow tainted all my
subsequent relationships with men. I have an issue with trust that
I cannot seem to reconcile, and it may be related to this incident.
The most loving, meaningful realationship I've had since is with
my cat.

I, too, want to love and trust, and be loved and trusted.