Thursday, November 17, 2005

To Do list for tomorrow

Find answers to these following questions:
Why do I find it so hard to trust myself?
Why am I so insecure?
Why am I so territorial?
What am I trying to protect?
What do I want?

Will allow myself to wallow in self-pity and reflect on
above problems for 24 hrs. No regrets. No whimping out.

Stock up on cigarettes and sugar for coffee/tea before
seclusion period.

See you on the other side.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Fork in the road

It's been a month since the last entry, and a lot has happened.

First of all, I lost my job. The company decided to close down
operations in my neck of the woods at the end of the year, so
for all intents and purposes, I am officially unemployed. Wow.
I think I'm still in shock, although I've had about 2 weeks to get
used to the idea. Can't seem to get fired up about looking for
another job, and I don't *even* want to think about why that is.

The other thing is the big L word. I'm wavering between two
very different guys, and I think I'm at the point where I have
to chose one or the other. Do I even have to choose? Is it even
my choice? Yes, I think it is a matter of choice on my part, and
if I do make the choice, things are certainly going to be very

What makes me furious is that, it's like, "been there, done that"
with both these problems, yet I'm still struggling with it after
all these years!! Arrgh! What is wrong with me!!!

Ok, let's face it. I'm still struggling with this because I've never
really, truely faced the problem head-on. I've always let things
happen, or let other people decide, but never taken control of
it and came up with an answer on my own. What a joke.

Snap out of it, drink a f*cking cappuccino, and DO SOMETHING

Gawd, I think I'm getting an ulcer....